So, I am feeling the cravings for cigarettes. I quit smoking, I did this because:
1. My mom found my pack.
2. I decided to stop spending so much money
Smoking is one bad deal, while hanging out with Neha today I could feel the cravings for tobacco. I could smell it and taste it. I feel as if that smoke feeling you get is permently in my nose. I feel absolutly shitty.
I can't seem to write music lately, I keep on trying different beats with different lyrics with different MIDI shit. No song I am satisfied with. Freddy says this happens all the time. He said that if you get too emotional with your lyrics no music will ever do the lyrics justice or something like that. And he's right, as my lyrics get more personal, the less I am happy with the music I make behind it. The song "Pillow" witch has the most personal set of lyrics out of all of my songs was redone 3 times before I actually put it out.
I am really upset at Steph, I want this to end. I wish that night never happened. I wish I wasnt such a fucking complainer. But thats what you get for being a teenager. Steph means a lot to me, fuck.... not just a lot. But she is a big part of my life, and I don't want this to end. I feel like I can never look at her in the same light again, and she's okay with that. I can't be okay with that, I cannot. I am very upset over this situation.
I don't even want to bring up school.
Seeing Neha and Dylan today was a relif. Dylan is a really good guy, when he took me home we were blasting smooth jazz and making up some of the most sexual lyrics you could put to it...while doing 100 on the freeway.
Sometimes I want to re-record all of my songs to guitar only, so for I have only rewritten "Chest Cavity" to guitar. It sounds pretty awesome, very different for me. I love DADGAD, that tuning has struck a personal note with me.
Neha is still amazing.
Ah, I'll write more in a tad. I think....